It seems every blog I post is sad and depressing.  Perhaps because I only feel compelled to actually write on it when I am sad and depressed.  Huh.. go figure.

Anyway, I'm a stupid, stupid girl.  I have no problem saying this because my sense of self is very assured.  With the good comes the bad... if I can freely admit the good, I should likewise be able to admit the bad.

I'm naive.  I'm trying to venture out onto my own and it's just not working.  It's not happening, it's not smooth, nor graceful and well timed.  It's actually very bad timing.  Everything seems to be.  I'm not reliant enough on myself to get me through this--I'm constantly searching outward, where I need to be searching inward.  I'm always looking for a male companion to come help me out, or keep me company, or be there, etc. etc.; which is a tremendous issue.  Tremendously bad.

Lest I forget for the last 8 years of my life I've had a constant companion.  Who I always want to go running back to (but I restrain myself) because I'm weak.  I need an extended absence from everything.

I finally woke up from a dream.  The dream, being an illusion, tricked me into thinking it was real.  Nothing was ever real.  My escapism the truest culprit there ever was.

I ran away from something, I didn't run to someone.  I never ran to anyone.  I never really loved anyone.  In the infinite wisdom that is Vast, "Have you ever truly loved someone?"

Well, have you?

Just got home from my mom's house.  Went over there to eat nummies and watch TV.  How fucking exciting!

When I got home there was this large red truck just sitting outside the house, turned on, in the red zone....obviously not supposed to be here.  It being 11 at night, and just kinda odd, I didn't get out of my car until they left (and they didn't even really leave, just drove up the street a little).  I think I should be freaked out but I'm too goddamn tired.

So why am I on the 'puter writing blogs?  Ahhhh......the answer, my friends, is pitiful.

Boys.  Yes, boys.  Again and again, they give me problems.  Those fuckers!  I wish I could just spill it all out there for the world to read and to release all the shit that goes through my head, but I have to be a little more discreet ... even on a blog that is for that very purpose.

The one I love.  I mean, really love.  When I think of him next to me I shiver; no, I've never actually met him and that's becoming more commonplace with the advent of the interwebs some years ago so I don't feel so stupid.  Besides, my last two, uh...hmm "experiences" I have met through the internet.  I've found you can really get to know someone's mind, and to some extent their soul, if you do it through text first.  Then again, it can always backfire on ya.  I'm aware of that too.

Anyway, he's broken.  I can't fix him.  I can't fix us to be anything other than what we are and always have been.  He's stubborn, obstinate, tempermental.......but I love it.  I told him that he makes me happy even when he's putting me through hell and it's true.  It's fucking true!  How insane am I.

I miss him always, but I block it from my mind most of the time.

I'm passing out now. 

I knew I wanted to create this thing, because I had lots to say and nowhere to really say it...but now, I can't think of what to write.  Lame, indeed. 

Maybe I'll start with saying that all of my songs are annoying me.  They are not hitting the spot, quenching the thirst.  Music helps, it's theurapeutic, but right now I can't listen to anything.  Except QOTSA.......perhaps because a lot of their music has angry undertones (or outright anger). 

Though, I'm not angry.  I feel sad, I feel a loss.  Two important losses this week.  One; my best friend for the past 7 1/2 years.........oh yes, let's delve.

He doesn't want to see me anymore, like at all.  Not in his life.  Completely out of it.  This is hard for me, yet I know it's harder for him to even be around me.  I am selfish for wanting to keep a level of closeness that needs to be dissolved--he's told me as much so many times, I can't count.  It still hurts.  A big part of my life was stripped away, and although it was my doing, it doesn't hurt any less because it was my doing.  For many years, he was my existence.

Two; the most recent...  We tried a reconciliation and I truly thought it was successful (or at least, a successful start) and he gave me the impression he did too.  Problem was, he didn't really think that.  There's too much doubt in his mind about me and while I have my own doubts, I've kept them at bay because I know that sometimes beautiful things will grow with time between two people.  I understand this.  I don't think he does........or even wants to.  It hurt like hell, but I must strip his presence from my life as well to get over him and what could have been.  One day, far in the future, friendship may be an option, but I must get over him first and that'll be awhile.

Apart from my losses, and my transition to a new life, I have many stresses.  I can't bear (or bore, whoever you are) to list them all.  It's inconsequential.  I'll deal with them I hope....this whole loss thing brings new beginnings and hopefully one of them will be a more responsible, careful, and in control Erin.  Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be too much of those things   I have to keep a balance!

You cannot be renewed without shedding some skin first.  This is what I have to do.  Some part of me knows it's destined to be, and lessons, lessons, lessons...lessons learned, trite but true, I am learning about you.  You being the me. 

Part of my renewal stems from my wonderful news today!  I have been accepted to NAU!  Now I am accomplishing things.  One degree down, one prospective admission goal attained; I feel proud.  Not to be snobby or bragging, but I have played by their rules, I have put in my time (and I intend on putting in much, much more) and now I'm reaping some minor rewards.  Northern Arizona University is basically my ticket into Tufts (assuming, of course, I get perfect grades).  My life is moving in a direction and while at any moment it can be taken away without warning, I feel I've guided myself in this direction.  Knowingly, purposefully.  It feels damned good.

Bittersweet doesn't even begin to describe it.  The depth of my emotions over the last 48 hours are barely perceivable even to me -- a blog just doesn't do it justice but I've at least scraped the surface.